Something to Ponder: The Three Most Courageous Words in the World

What your friend said about you was just mean.

Catching him with your best friend shocked you to the core.

Your wife’s sarcastic joke embarrassed you deeply in front of your neighbors.

The lie that person said about you was shameful and left a deep emotional scar.

Learning that your partner no longer loves you left you numb.

No one likes to be hurt.

But life is full of moments when we feel injured or hurt by someone else.

Sometimes the hurt is intentional.

Sometimes the hurt is unintentional.

Instead, the hurt you feel might result simply from someone’s abject carelessness, lack of self-control, or unintentional behaviors that wound nonetheless.

Some injuries leave a scar so deep, the only solace we can find is to harbor an internal and everlasting anger at the wrongdoer.

Anger shields us from facing the moment that caused us pain.

Hating those that hurt us provides a way to deal with that pain.

Severing what was a wonderful friendship often is the most expedient way to lessen the pain caused us when a friend oversteps the boundaries of decency or reasonable expectations of kindness owed to a friend.

Consider an extreme example of when hating someone is a natural defense to pain: when someone maliciously takes the life of someone you love. Wanting the person punished to the full extent of the law, and eye for an eye, is purely natural.

Punishment seems proper in the face of such extreme pain and might offer some degree of equanimity in the face of the wrong perpetrated.

But even in this extreme example lies a kernel of wisdom to ponder.

In 2019, Javika Wallace-Hawkins stood in a courtroom in Grand Rapids, Michigan facing Vincente Rodriguez-Ortiz, 23, the very man who had murdered her seventeen year old son, Andre.

Andre was killed over a mistaken belief that the teen had been romantically involved with Vincent’s former girlfriend.

Ms. Wallace-Hawkins’ pain had to be incomprehensible. She lost her child to a murderer.

Nevertheless, Ms. Wallace-Hawkins stunned the courtroom when she addressed her innocent son’s killer with the following courageous words:

“In order to get through this process, I had to forgive you and I forgive you from the bottom of my heart.

I pray for you because as a mother, you’re a child to me. And in my heart, I have no anger or bitterness toward you.

As a mom, I just want to hug you because I know there is something that is not connected that made you feel so angry.”

It takes almost an inhuman level of courage to utter the words “I forgive you” to the murderer of your child. Ms. Wallace-Hawkins did just that however.

In the wake of the September 11th tragedy in New York, my 10 year old daughter equally surprised her classmates during a mass in honor of those killed in the attacks. When asked who the students wanted to pray for, many children said relatives, friends, or the unknown who perished. My daughter, instead, found the courage to say the children should pray for the men who did these heinous acts. Yes, she wanted to pray for the very men who killed so many innocent people.

Her reason was heroic. She said the devil was to blame for no reasonable person would ever do such a vicious thing if they were right in their mind. In her own way, she was forgiving the men for what they did and charging the proxy for evil, the devil, for what was done that day.

Research has shown that that forgiveness can lessen levels of depression, anxiety, and hostility in the wake of some wrongdoing towards us. It can help us avoid or reduce associated instances of substance abuse, it can boost our self-esteem and lessen stress, it can improve our outlook on life.

Forgiveness is not exoneration by any means for the wrong done. It is rationalizing the moment in a way that provides a deeper level of acceptance of the root of the pain we feel. It offers us the ability to find a modicum of calm and peace in the face of tragedy.

The next time you find yourself hurt, in pain, or angry towards someone that intentionally or unintentionally hurt you, remember Ms. Wallace-Hawkins and all those like her over time that have found true solace not in hating the perpetrator of the pain but by finding the ability to forgive them.

Forgiveness take immeasurable courage. It can also yield immeasurable peace and inner comfort.

As Ghandi once said:

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

The next time someone hurts you, try to find inner courage enough to forgive them. You might just find your heart is much more at peace than by hating.